The Blues

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We had cake for lunch and went out to dinner to celebrate. Unfortunately, I was down in the dumps and tired all day, not the best timing for sure. Luckily, we also went out to a movie and dinner today so I had the chance to try again. I must admit, I've never really had this happen before. It's been strange, like I know I'm supposed to be up and celebratory but I can barely get out of my own way. Luckily, Lorrie, my husband, has been great about it.

Sometimes I actually feel worse for Lorrie than for myself. He has to live with all of my moods and upsets and it's not even him who is feeling them. I've noticed that he tries everything and anything to alleviate my anxiety or depression. He ends up doing everything while I sit and do next to nothing. I wish I knew how to fix this. I've come to the conclusion that the best I can do is try my hardest to push through and keep going. Also, when I do feel good, I try to get as much done as possible. I don't know how much this helps but at least it's something.

I'm so glad I was able to celebrate with him today and didn't miss his whole birthday.

Panic Attacks

I woke shaking again this morning. Instead of calming down, once I was fully awake and out of bed, the shaking turned into a full blown panic attack. I've been using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to help with my panic, so I sat down and did the exercises. I marked what the symptoms of my panic were and what I was thinking. Next I wrote out what the situation that had me panicking was, my thoughts about this situation and the cognitive distortions I was using to make reality scarier and keep the panic going. Now usually by the time I've finished all of this my panic has eased and I'm feeling better, but not today. It wasn't until I was playing music LOUDLY in the car and singing LOUDLY along that the panic finally eased up. Surprisingly, I was able to go on and actually have a good day. Now, even though the Cognitive Behavior exercises didn't work well today, I really do rely on them often to get me out of panic mode. I'm really glad that my therapist brought them up recently as I haven't used them in years and now am back to using them daily. It's a relief to have a plan of attack when I feel myself panicking. It makes the whole idea of a panic attack less scary and less of a threat to my day to day life.

It's All Too Confusing

I spent this afternoon in my doctor's waiting room and then in the exam room when it was finally my turn. While the waiting room was the most trying part of the experience, even seeing my doctor left me feeling overwhelmed and confused. I've been having a terrible time with cyclical depression, exhaustion and anxiety. On any given day there's a 95% chance that I'm experiencing one or more of these conditions. While going to see the doctor is a light at the end of the tunnel, a chance to share my experience and hopefully get some help, it is also a time when medications get added, dropped and dosages get changed. By the time I left the office today I felt down, I actually felt worse than before I went in. The reason behind this is I feel hopeless. I've been on so many medications over the years and none of them ever fix my symptoms. Some medications may help for a while but others just don't do anything or even make me feel worse. So now we try something else. I could actually see my doctor trying to figure out what to try next. When the doctor starts to look confused and/or overwhelmed you know there really is no true answer, it's all just a guessing game of trial and error.
This is truly disheartening.

Red High Heels

I finally found and bought a pair of red high heeled shoes. To many, this will sound like a silly desire but buying these shoes has been on my "bucket list" for sooooo long. Now, not only have I bought them, but I wore them for Valentines Day too. I'm so glad I did. I've really needed something positive to focus on recently. I've just been down in the dumps, anxious and agitated for so long. I still am experiencing these negatives but the red heels helped me feel a bit of freedom which I've been needing. Just writing about them seems to be pulling me out of the negativity I'm experiencing right now. It's funny how such a little thing can do so much.

I'm not completely sure why I'm having such trouble lately. I know part of it is hormonal. I have a terrible time hormonally and none of my doctors seem to be able to fix things for me. I'm probably the closest to "normal" right now and even that isn't anywhere near good enough. Somedays I feel like I could cry at any moment, while others I can barely sit still, and others I've got all I can do to stay awake. The whole thing has really gotten old. I've been dealing with depression/anxiety and various issues since I was a kid but especially since puberty.

Still, something as small as a pair of red high heels helped. Maybe there is hope after all.

Today was incredibly stressful.

I had a bunch of errands to run, and at each stop I made I had a list of things to remember. This can be awfully difficult for someone like me. My anxiety can make me feel crazy on a day when nothing is really going on, but on a day like today it can be lethal. I actually found myself thinking I can't do this, I need to go home. I ended up on the phone with Lorrie pouring out my anxiety and upset, and in all truthfulness, I would have gone home if I hadn't been out with my parents at the time. As hard as today was, it would have to have been a ton harder for me to tell my parents how I was feeling. So, I pushed through and am proud to say I got everything done and made it back home safely. Now I feel so relieved and relaxed that it almost made the day worth it, almost.

At the Book Store

Today has been a really good day. We went out to do errands and decided to add some fun to the trip. We ended up eating at Ruby Tuesdays, one of my favorite restaurants because of their salad bar. Then we visited one of my other favorite places, the book store. On top of all of this excitement, I actually got two new books that have been on my "To Buy List". I bought Chris Bohjalian's newest book and Jane Greens "Dune Road". I LOVE Jane Green's books for the comic relief they bring to my life. The first book I read of hers was "Jemima J" and I was instantly hooked. I love Chris Bohjalian's books for a totally different reason. I love them because they make me think about what I believe about truth and doing good in the world. I loved "Midwives" and this book sounds like another thought provoking read.

The day will end with some American Idol, another of my favorites. In the meantime we are listening to Katherine McPhee's and Adam Lambert's newest CDs. Food, books and music, what a day!

Feeling Down

I'm feeling down today. There are tons of things that need to be done, but I'm not into any of it. It's just one of those days. Now is when I am supposed to question what my thoughts are telling me so I can change them and change my mood, but I'm even having trouble getting into doing that. It just seems like too much trouble. Not good, I know.

I did go and get a pedicure. I've wanted to get one for a while now so I thought that would be a nice treat and would lift my spirits. Turns out it was a nice treat and I did feel pretty good while I was there. Now I'm home and I feel the same as I did before I left. Next I believe I'll be trying a nap. Often when I feel this way Lorrie and I will head out to see a movie, but once again I'm just not into it.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this all down except maybe writing will make me feel better. I think it has helped some.