Indigo Blues

The Blues

2010-03-13T17:55:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We had cake for lunch and went out to dinner to celebrate. Unfortunately, I was down in the dumps and tired all day, not the best timing for sure. Luckily, we also went out to a movie and dinner today so I had the chance to try again. I must admit, I've never really had this happen before. It's been strange, like I know I'm supposed to be up and celebratory but I can barely get out of my own way. Luckily, Lorrie, my husband, has been great about it.

Sometimes I actually feel worse for Lorrie than for myself. He has to live with all of my moods and upsets and it's not even him who is feeling them. I've noticed that he tries everything and anything to alleviate my anxiety or depression. He ends up doing everything while I sit and do next to nothing. I wish I knew how to fix this. I've come to the conclusion that the best I can do is try my hardest to push through and keep going. Also, when I do feel good, I try to get as much done as possible. I don't know how much this helps but at least it's something.

I'm so glad I was able to celebrate with him today and didn't miss his whole birthday.

Panic Attacks

2010-03-03T17:57:00.003-05:00

I woke shaking again this morning. Instead of calming down, once I was fully awake and out of bed, the shaking turned into a full blown panic attack. I've been using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to help with my panic, so I sat down and did the exercises. I marked what the symptoms of my panic were and what I was thinking. Next I wrote out what the situation that had me panicking was, my thoughts about this situation and the cognitive distortions I was using to make reality scarier and keep the panic going. Now usually by the time I've finished all of this my panic has eased and I'm feeling better, but not today. It wasn't until I was playing music LOUDLY in the car and singing LOUDLY along that the panic finally eased up. Surprisingly, I was able to go on and actually have a good day. Now, even though the Cognitive Behavior exercises didn't work well today, I really do rely on them often to get me out of panic mode. I'm really glad that my therapist brought them up recently as I haven't used them in years and now am back to using them daily. It's a relief to have a plan of attack when I feel myself panicking. It makes the whole idea of a panic attack less scary and less of a threat to my day to day life.

It's All Too Confusing

2010-02-25T19:45:00.003-05:00

I spent this afternoon in my doctor's waiting room and then in the exam room when it was finally my turn. While the waiting room was the most trying part of the experience, even seeing my doctor left me feeling overwhelmed and confused. I've been having a terrible time with cyclical depression, exhaustion and anxiety. On any given day there's a 95% chance that I'm experiencing one or more of these conditions. While going to see the doctor is a light at the end of the tunnel, a chance to share my experience and hopefully get some help, it is also a time when medications get added, dropped and dosages get changed. By the time I left the office today I felt down, I actually felt worse than before I went in. The reason behind this is I feel hopeless. I've been on so many medications over the years and none of them ever fix my symptoms. Some medications may help for a while but others just don't do anything or even make me feel worse. So now we try something else. I could actually see my doctor trying to figure out what to try next. When the doctor starts to look confused and/or overwhelmed you know there really is no true answer, it's all just a guessing game of trial and error.
This is truly disheartening.

Red High Heels

2010-02-15T09:57:00.003-05:00

I finally found and bought a pair of red high heeled shoes. To many, this will sound like a silly desire but buying these shoes has been on my "bucket list" for sooooo long. Now, not only have I bought them, but I wore them for Valentines Day too. I'm so glad I did. I've really needed something positive to focus on recently. I've just been down in the dumps, anxious and agitated for so long. I still am experiencing these negatives but the red heels helped me feel a bit of freedom which I've been needing. Just writing about them seems to be pulling me out of the negativity I'm experiencing right now. It's funny how such a little thing can do so much.

I'm not completely sure why I'm having such trouble lately. I know part of it is hormonal. I have a terrible time hormonally and none of my doctors seem to be able to fix things for me. I'm probably the closest to "normal" right now and even that isn't anywhere near good enough. Somedays I feel like I could cry at any moment, while others I can barely sit still, and others I've got all I can do to stay awake. The whole thing has really gotten old. I've been dealing with depression/anxiety and various issues since I was a kid but especially since puberty.

Still, something as small as a pair of red high heels helped. Maybe there is hope after all.

2010-02-10T16:00:00.002-05:00

Today was incredibly stressful.

I had a bunch of errands to run, and at each stop I made I had a list of things to remember. This can be awfully difficult for someone like me. My anxiety can make me feel crazy on a day when nothing is really going on, but on a day like today it can be lethal. I actually found myself thinking I can't do this, I need to go home. I ended up on the phone with Lorrie pouring out my anxiety and upset, and in all truthfulness, I would have gone home if I hadn't been out with my parents at the time. As hard as today was, it would have to have been a ton harder for me to tell my parents how I was feeling. So, I pushed through and am proud to say I got everything done and made it back home safely. Now I feel so relieved and relaxed that it almost made the day worth it, almost.

At the Book Store

2010-02-03T18:23:00.004-05:00

Today has been a really good day. We went out to do errands and decided to add some fun to the trip. We ended up eating at Ruby Tuesdays, one of my favorite restaurants because of their salad bar. Then we visited one of my other favorite places, the book store. On top of all of this excitement, I actually got two new books that have been on my "To Buy List". I bought Chris Bohjalian's newest book and Jane Greens "Dune Road". I LOVE Jane Green's books for the comic relief they bring to my life. The first book I read of hers was "Jemima J" and I was instantly hooked. I love Chris Bohjalian's books for a totally different reason. I love them because they make me think about what I believe about truth and doing good in the world. I loved "Midwives" and this book sounds like another thought provoking read.

The day will end with some American Idol, another of my favorites. In the meantime we are listening to Katherine McPhee's and Adam Lambert's newest CDs. Food, books and music, what a day!

Feeling Down

2010-01-30T13:25:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling down today. There are tons of things that need to be done, but I'm not into any of it. It's just one of those days. Now is when I am supposed to question what my thoughts are telling me so I can change them and change my mood, but I'm even having trouble getting into doing that. It just seems like too much trouble. Not good, I know.

I did go and get a pedicure. I've wanted to get one for a while now so I thought that would be a nice treat and would lift my spirits. Turns out it was a nice treat and I did feel pretty good while I was there. Now I'm home and I feel the same as I did before I left. Next I believe I'll be trying a nap. Often when I feel this way Lorrie and I will head out to see a movie, but once again I'm just not into it.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this all down except maybe writing will make me feel better. I think it has helped some.

Two A.M.

2010-01-24T02:02:00.004-05:00

So it's 2:00 A.M. and I'm wide awake. I wish I could have said the same at 7:00 P.M. this evening. Instead I was sound asleep from 7 until 10:30. Not the best time to nap but I was too tired to do anything else. Unfortunately, this now sets me up to be tired tomorrow when I need to get things done. Oh well, at least it gives me time to blog and keep an eye on my dog Cyrus. He's having bowel problems and needs to go potty every hour or so. As much as I LOVE my dogs, I highly recommend thinking strongly about the commitment they need on a daily basis. You think that once puppy hood is over you're home free but eventually old age sets in and your back on 24 hour watch. Not that I'd give my babies up for anything, but they do make things more stressful.

My husband and I and our friend Nancy just returned from a lovely vacation to Lake Placid. We all had a wonderful time. It was incredibly cold, but we took a cross- country skiing lesson, took an elevator to the top of the Olympic Jumping Complex, went on a horse drawn sleigh ride and took a gondola ride up Whiteface Mountain. The scenery was unbelievable and I got some awesome photos. Some of the photos from this trip can be found on facebook.com/neverenough9339. If you see them leave me a comment or two. Of course we also ate some delicious meals and had hot cocoa and Italian coffees. It was just a fun and stress free four days. We all really needed it. Of course, the second you get home the stress returns but that's to be expected. These past two days have been spent recuperating and doing laundry. I think we're finally getting back into the swing of things. It's so funny, you go away for 4 days and it takes at least 2 days to get ready and then another 2 days to get settled at home again. Still, thank God for vacations!

New Me

2010-01-07T15:03:00.002-05:00

My therapist, otherwise known as Anne, believes that I've gained enough knowledge about my anxiety and depression and that now it's time to figure out what to do about it. For the present, whenever I feel either anxious or depressed, I'm supposed to ask myself "What was I just thinking". As you can imagine, I'm asking this a lot lately. It's also helping quite a bit, so I guess I'll keep asking. I did behavior modification therapy once before and it really worked wonders for me so it's probably a good idea to get back to it. Whenever I ask myself what I'm thinking I tend to find it's something negative. When I change the negative thinking around I can often work my way out of feeling so anxious or depressed.

The other thing I'm supposed to do before my next session with Anne is to come up with some affirmations. I figured this would be the difficult part as I always feel kind of silly saying things like "put one foot in front of the other and keep moving" or "you can do it kid' to myself. In reality, as long as I don't say these things out loud it's not so bad. The affirmations come naturally when I'm changing my thinking from negative to positive. I also find myself saying many of the same things I would say to a child if they were having trouble with something. (I went to college to be an elementary teacher) Finishing on a positive note, it does my heart good to realize that I still have this in me.

New Years 2010

2010-01-01T09:49:00.003-05:00

Happy, Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May 2010 bring all of us peace in our hearts and minds, good health, love, friendship and many days of laughter and fun.

I missed the ball dropping in times square by 1 1/2 hours last night. I was just too tired and had to go to sleep. Luckily we had made our toast to the New Year at dinner, so I at least feel somewhat a part of it the celebration. I'm starting this year with the same hopes and resolutions that I've started the past few years with. I am working towards less anxiety and depression and more thankfulness for the good that I have in my life. I want to continue working on my writing, beading and crosstitching, spend time with those I love and put my energy into doing things I enjoy rather than making myself feel crazy. Of course, I also want to loose weight and add more exercise to my daily routine. All of this sounds doable and my prayer is that I am successful in these ventures.
I hope everybody has a wonderful New Years Day and I'd love to hear some of your hopes and resolutions for the new year.

Peace and Gratitude

Dec. 26

2009-12-26T09:31:00.003-05:00

Well, December 26th is here. Strangely enough, we still have a bunch of people to celebrate with. In some ways this is awesome and in others it's just tiring. Today we go visit some old friends that Lorrie used to work with. Next week, I do some shopping and cooking with mom. Then we have two more get togethers until it all ends on January 2nd. Until January 2nd everything will feel rushed and then starting January 3rd there is next to nothing to do. This is such a strange phenomenon and it catches me off guard each and every year.

I'm really looking forward to cooking with mom. She is going to show me how to make her famous Spaghetti Sauce, meatballs and sausage. I'm even more excited about this now that two of my cousins have said they are coming to learn too. It'll be a nice family day, and it is very important to me because Mom is getting older and the recipes she is sharing are ones her mother shared with her. We'll all be leaving knowing how to make Nunny's Spaghetti sauce.

My family and I had a wonderful Christmas Eve and Day and I wish everyone who is reading a Very Merry Christmas also.

40 Years

2009-12-21T09:43:00.005-05:00

So, tomorrow is my 40th Birthday. In all honesty, I'm not sure how I feel about this. In some ways, I think I've accepted it and moved on, but in others I'm finding that I obviously haven't. The reason I know this is that I keep getting birthday cards which allude to the fact that I'm worried about turning 40. These cards are extremely sweet and meant in only the best way, but I didn't realize I was talking about turning 40 so much. I must be worried about it without even knowing it. It's a strange feeling to realize that I don't know what I'm thinking.

For my 40th birthday, I wanted to do something special. My husband came up with the most exciting idea. We're waiting until mid-January, and then going to Lake Placid to try cross-country skiing. Even if the skiing part falls through we'll be shopping and sitting by a warm fire drinking cocoa. I love this idea and am looking forward to every minute of it. The whole ski lodge vacation idea has been something I've dreamed about for years.

Tomorrow we are doing our normal birthday dinner with family and friends. There is a group of 6 of us that get together for each other's birthdays throughout the year. Mine is the last one each year and then we start over in March for my mother's birthday. It's a wonderful tradition and this year my mother is adding one of her awesome cakes to the mix. We will still be eating out for my birthday, as we always do because it is so close to Christmas, but she will be making and bringing a special birthday cake for me. I can't remember the last year mom made me a cake so this is really special to me.

Sounds to me like I'm having a wonderful 40th birthday, so being 40 is already turning out to be an exciting experience. Somehow, this makes me feel much better about the whole turning 40 thing.

My Top 10 of 2009

2009-12-19T09:29:00.002-05:00

10. Swimming at Grafton Park
9. Seeing Indigo Girls in Concert
8. Seeing American Idols Live
7. Watching Adam Lambert on American Idol
6. Valentines Day Dinner and Games at Nancy's House
5. Having Our First Real Christmas Tree and Wreath
4. Learning to make Pasta Sauce from scratch with Mom
3. Taina's graduation from Kindergarten
2. Christmas Shopping and Sight Seeing in NYC
1. Zip Lining at Bromley Mountain with Lorrie and Nancy

Decoration Hell

2009-12-12T12:46:00.004-05:00

My niece, who is 26 this year, just wrote on facebook that she misses when Christmas was just fun without any strings attached. Man....I know what she means. There have been strings attached to my Christmases for many years now and I've actually gotten used to that. What ever happened to the fun, is what I want to know. From what I'm told, what happened is, I grew up and all the work that used to happen magically is now up to me. I know I'm going to sound like Scrooge, but I hate it!

I was going to say that I often start to think something is wrong with me but the truth is I know something is wrong with me. As far as decorating is concerned, where I used to feel excitement, I now just feel dread. A few minutes ago, I was doing some MORE decorating and realized that not only was I anxious, but I was exhausted. I still am, except now I feel depressed too. I love my tree, I really do, I just wish the elves would put it up and then take it down too. That would be perfect. Oh, and while the elves were at it could they decorate the rest of the house too? That would really be perfect!

Tonight we are celebrating with friends and their three adorable little children. I'm really hoping this will lift my spirits. Sometimes, I must admit, I wonder why I bother getting my spirits up again when I know that only means they'll be falling back down.

BAH HUMBUG!!!

To sleep or not to sleep

2009-12-08T01:46:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was just exhausted. I fought it and tried to be productive which is why it was so horrible. You'd think I'd know by now to lay down and take a nap instead of ruining my day. Eventually I did nap and felt a little better but by 8 P.M. I was exhausted and ready for bed. I must have slept for 12 hours. This is unheard of for me but it actually happened. Then today I needed a 2 hour nap. Well, I guess I'm finally caught up on my sleep because now it's 2 A.M. and I'm wide awake. Go figure, I guess that's just how it goes.

So I'm using my time to work on my photography. I'm taking the photos off of my old camera because I just received an early birthday present. The present is a new digital camera. I'm very excited about this as last spring my camera broke and I went back to using my old dinosaur of a digital camera. Now I'm in the 2000's again. This old camera is laughable by today's standards. It's large and bulky and only holds 15 photos. It's amazing how far cameras have come in so short a time period.

Anyway, I just finished uploading a few photos. They are on my facebook page if anyone is interested. It's at www.facebook.com/neverenough9339.

Our First Live Christmas Tree

2009-12-05T19:14:00.007-05:00

It took us about a week but we finally decided to try a real tree this holiday season. Both of us have wanted a real tree for years and this is the year we're finally going for it.

The day we picked out our tree turned out to be quite special. We began the day by having breakfast at a favorite diner with our closest friend Nancy. Nancy then took us to pick out a tree. I think she was as excited as we were as she insisted on taping the entire process. While we were choosing our tree, News Channel 13 was filming the area. We ended up being interviewed for the 5 and 6 o'clock news. Basically, Nancy ended up taping us being taped by News 13. That night at The Fountain where we often eat dinner, we told the waitresses that we were going to be on TV. It was fun to watch ourselves on TV while sitting in the middle of a restaurant. I actually found it a bit embarrassing while my husband seemed to think it was a real hoot.

Today we have basically been trimming the tree. There is still more to do tomorrow, but it looks pretty fantastic if I do say so myself. One thing I've found which surprised me is how totally different a real tree is to work with. One of the biggest differences is that you can't manipulate a real tree the way you can an artificial one. You pretty much have to put the ornaments where the tree wants them instead of where you want them. There's no bending the branches this way and that to make it look symmetrical.

Today turned out to be a more difficult day. Unfortunately, I ended up working on the tree on a day when I'm overcome with exhaustion which is why there is still more to do tomorrow. All in all we both love the real tree. I'm so glad we finally went for it.

2009-12-01T20:29:00.002-05:00

Today is the 1st day of December. I love Christmas and winter, so this is really good news for me. On the other hand, there isn't much else in the world that can make me as anxious as the holidays. There's just so much to worry about; buying presents, wrapping, money, eating too much and on and on. I try to keep myself in check but I always end up letting anxiety ruin part of the season. The best I seem to be able to do is to try to keep this to a minimum.

I'm actually really excited this year because we've decided to buy a real tree. Neither of us have ever had a real tree before and both really want one. Of course, this brings it's own anxieties. We have two unpredictable dogs and our own allergies to worry about. There's also the fact that a real tree can't stay up as long as an artificial one can, and of course there's all the unknowns like how often to water it or how to get it to stand up straight in the stand. Which reminds me, we need a different stand also.

Overall, I'm really looking forward to this small adventure. I'm also looking forward to all the excitement, fun and craziness of the holidays. Hope everyone has a great holiday season.

Post Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T15:24:00.004-05:00

Today is the day after Thanksgiving and the official beginning of the holiday season. The holiday season actually seems to begin a little before Halloween, but now it's official. We can now hang decorations and play Christmas music without others thinking we are crazy. Since this is my favorite time of year I'm ready to enjoy every minute. I've already gotten most of my presents bought and am now working on wrapping. I love having gifts purchased early because that way when we go to the mall we can just enjoy the decorations and music without worrying about lines or hurrying. We can also buy gifts for ourselves which is always fun.

Over the coming weekend I will be seeing my friend Heather who lives up in Brockport, NY. Heather and I have been close friends since 6th grade and only see each other twice a year which makes the visits very special. We usually end up meeting for breakfast and then spending a few hours together without interruption. Sometimes we shop and others we just end up sitting and talking. Our visits always feel like a coming home of sorts. When we see each other it's as if we've been together all along. I treasure Heather and am grateful for her love and friendship.

I hope everyone begins and continues to have a Happy Holiday season. My hope is for us all to have as little stress and as much peace and fun as possible.

Anxiety in the A.M.

2009-11-24T08:27:00.008-05:00

Another morning of waking up shaky. I used to think I was actually shaking but have now realized that it's all inside. I can't even have the luxury of being able to show anyone that I'm shaking, because there's nothing to see. This makes me soooo angry!!!

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before but it's always so disconcerting. In reality I've woken up the past 4 or 5 mornings shaking, but it seems to be bothering me more today. I guess I just wonder if it's always going to be this way. Will I always be so anxious or is there something I can do to fix it? I'm starting to believe there isn't. Therapy doesn't do it. (Therapy helps when I'm awake, but not when I'm asleep.) Drugs don't seem to help, in fact for all I know they exacerbate it.

I've got so many things I want to do today, so I know I can't let this keep me down. I need to just pick myself up and get moving. Lately, that's a little easier for me and I'm grateful for this. Every little bit helps. Today I'm hoping to just finish up a bunch of projects that have been started but not finished. We seem to do that a lot around here. We start things and then just walk away as if we're done. It can be really frustrating, so today is the day to remedy it.

Tomorrow is my stupid dental appointment which I wrote about last week. The dentist needs to see if I lost part of the filling he put in and then fix it. I'm not looking forward to this at all, in fact I find that I'm really angry. The process has never hurt the way it did last week, so it makes me wonder what is wrong with him. I'm not sure if I'm letting him fix the tooth or finding another dentist but I do want him to look and tell me what needs to be done.

We also went to a wake last night. My cousin's wife's mother died after 4 years of suffering from a stroke. I'm actually happy for her as I know she wanted to die. She stopped eating and taking her medication so she knew what she was doing. Of course, even when you're happy for the person, a wake can really mess up your head. At least they mess up my head. Death and loss are two of my biggest fears, have been for years. I am so afraid to die and I think maybe even more afraid to loose my loved ones.

Time to get on with the day before this all envelopes me and I can't break free.

A Whole Week

2009-11-20T22:14:00.003-05:00

WOW!!! It's been a whole week since I've blogged. I'm not sure how the time got away from me. I did have a horrible migraine one day last week. I'm glad that went away. I also lost part of a filling from my most recent dental experience. Unfortunately, I have to go back to the dentist this coming Wednesday to have the filling fixed. I'm so not happy about that.

We have been doing lots of cleaning and organizing around here. The place is really looking good. Tomorrow we are going to hang some new photos. They're actually photos our dear friend Nancy created. It'll be nice to get to see them again since it's been a while. We are also planning on a bunch of other projects for tomorrow. Hopefully it'll all go smoothly. Eventually we may even have company over. Unfortunately when you are depressed, as we both have been over the past months, things get let go. The house just isn't a priority when you feel so terrible. Now that we are both feeling better, we're having a great time getting things back the way we like them.

The rest of the week is pretty open, until Thanksgiving that is. On Thursday, mom will cook the traditional Thanksgiving meal. She does this every year, even though it has become more difficult for her. Soooo, it's off to moms for a delicious meal, some fun conversation and possibly a movie. It'll be a lovely day.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Have a great Holiday.

Sunday Night

2009-11-15T20:05:00.003-05:00

So it's Sunday evening and we just returned from having dinner at "The Fountain", our neighborhood hangout. We're sitting here listening to music and thinking about the coming week. A new week is always somewhat daunting to me. It almost always means I'll have to force myself out of the house at least once. I usually do end up going out anyway, but it's so much easier for me if it's spontaneous and something I want to do.

This week, on Wednesday, my mom and I have plans to make cookies at her house. While it's true that I always have to force myself to go, it's also true that we always have a good time. Mom has made cookies for the holiday season for as long as I can remember. She's an awesome baker and her cookies are out of this world. She still uses a cookie book I bought her for Christmas when I was around three. It always pleases me to see it because it's obviously been well loved.

I've been making cookies with mom for the past 5 or so years. In the past mom would have my great aunt make cookies with her and for a few years it was the three of us. One year we even had another great aunt helping out. We had such a fun time. The photos are priceless. Now that all my great aunts and my aunt have passed away it's just mom and I. Dad is retired so he's there too but he doesn't really participate. Cookie day feels somewhat bittersweet now but at least the two of us are still here together.

Now that R/J, dad's business, is closed we have fewer cookies to make but it's still a yearly routine and we seem to find new people to give cookies to all the time.

Feeling Negative

2009-11-12T08:56:00.004-05:00

Just to let you know, this blog is gonna be me complaining. I'm feeling very negative right now. I'm fighting it but without much luck. So, here goes. My mouth is still sore from Monday's dental appointment which boggles my mind. I've really not had that before except for when I've had major things done. On top of that, today is "out with mom day". My mom is my best friend and sometimes this day is just awesome. Other time the day is a real stretch for me. Today it'll be a stretch. I can tell. It really just depends on the mood I wake up in.

Also, I'll bet money that dad is coming with us today. When dad comes it can be doubly hard if my mood is off. He drives us in the van, instead of me driving my car, and mom and I can't really talk or catch up with each other. He also rushes us so we don't get to have any relaxation time. I know he's bored at home alone and that's why he joins us, but it can be a real roller coaster of a day.

I guess I just need to get this off my chest. If my father ever were to read this I would feel horrible. I love both my parents dearly. It's just that my emotional issues can mess everything up. Then you add the daily issues that my parents have with each other, or with me, and it can feel pretty crazy.

Ok, I'm done complaining for now. Thanks for reading.

Dental Horror

2009-11-10T11:44:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I had an appointment to have some dental work done. I was amazingly nervous. I was actually shaking and could hear panic in my voice. I was really embarrassed by this but I was so upset that this barely registered at the time. My nervousness was caused partly because my regular dentist retired and I am seeing a brand new dentist who I had only met once, and also because I had a bad experience with a root canal a few years ago and it has left me terribly frightened of having Novocaine.

Anyway, the good news is that I like my dentist very much. He seems like a really nice guy and he explains everything as he goes along. The bad new is, it hurt so much more than I had thought it would. It's a good thing I didn't know it would hurt like that because I probably wouldn't have gone. My old dentist never hurt me like that, so now I'm trying to figure out what happened. Was it because I was so nervous, or because he did something differently? I just don't know. All I know is I don't want to have him do any work ever again. I'm not sure whether I'll go with this feeling and actually find another dentist or if I'll give him another try, but I'm really leaning towards the first.

So, yesterday was probably my 3rd worst dental appointment of all time. Tieing for the first would be my root canal and having my wisdom teeth pulled. I just wish I could go back to not being afraid. It was so much easier.

Pre-Pre-Holiday Traffic

2009-11-07T21:06:00.006-05:00

Today is only Nov. 7th, so I assumed it was safe to go out and run some errands. I couldn't have been more wrong. The traffic was outrageous everywhere we went, and crossing the traffic was actually frightening. It was so upsetting that my panic response came out for a visit. I so love it when this happens that I was actually ready to just turn around and come home. The errands could most definitely wait until next week. For whatever reason, I decided to stick it out and luckily did make it to the mall without an accident.

The next disaster was the mall parking lot which was unbelievably full. It was full all the way out to the farthest lots that usually only get used the week or two before Christmas. Once again, I thought of heading home but then we decided to just find a space to park and walk. We can definitely use the exercise and now that we were safely parked I had no reason to hurry or be nervous.

The mall was packed. We stopped to buy a calendar for my father for Christmas and the woman working with the calendars said she had been swamped all day. She even said that they had sold over $3000.00 in calendars since they opened this morning. We were amazed and questioned how people could be buying so much in the middle of a recession. The answer she gave was that they were using credit cards. All I can say is "not good". January is going to be a difficult month for many people.

Luckily, once we were in the mall and shopping I managed to zen out and have a good time. I went to my favorite store, Bath and Body Works, and bought some holiday hand soaps. We also got an essential oil called Moonlight Path free with a coupon. Anyone who knows me knows I love coupons, so this made my day. I actually used to work in Bath and Body Works and always wish I still worked there when I visit and shop. I asked my husband if I should work there again but I guess my panic and anxiety were more than he could handle, because I got a definitive NO! I have to laugh, it's either that or cry. There's only one thing worse than dealing with your issues and that's realizing how much they affect your loved ones and not knowing how to make it better.

So, back to shopping. We also went into a clothing store and my husband convinced me to buy a sweater that he really liked. This was a different and pleasant experience for me as my husband is usually telling me not to buy things. He isn't really a shopper and tends toward saving money. We level each other out in this area which is good.

After shopping, we ate dinner in the food court which is very unusual for us. It was actually pretty good. After dinner we both agreed it was time to head home, but first we stopped into Easy Spirit and I picked out a pair of boots. We had a very successful day after all so my panic and nervousness was unnecessary. I very often find this to be the case and am working on realizing this before instead of after I panic. When that happens it'll be a great day!!!!

Morning's Hard

2009-11-03T17:38:00.005-05:00

"Morning's Hard, Coffee's Cold, Pretending That The Days Mean More Than Getting Old." Melissa Etheridge - Testify

Before I even begin, I want to say that Melissa Etheridge is one of my favorite performers and that I love this song. I'm saying this so that the millions of people reading this blog don't think I'm trying to say anything bad about either. Haha....A little joke there.

Anyway, I found myself singing this song as soon as I woke up the other day. Actually, I wasn't singing the entire song, just this line. I sometimes find it amusing when this type of thing occurs but other times it can feel a bit worrisome. It seems that on many days, my mood is already decided before I even wake up. This makes it very difficult to have any say in how I feel or how I greet the day.

The days that really, really bother me are the ones when I wake up shaking. For those of you who have never experienced this, it's an awful feeling and is very disconcerting. I'll wake and have no idea why I feel so nervous or why I am shaking. I've mostly given up trying to figure out the answer for this, at least I've given it up first thing in the morning. It doesn't help the shaking to start the day trying to decide what's wrong with me. That is just never a great way to begin the day.

Another type of day that leaves me wanting is when I wake up really depressed. It actually feels like there is a heavy weight on top of my head and shoulders. Sometimes this will happen and I have plans for the day that I'm not comfortable canceling, for example plans with my mom. I try to never cancel those. Unfortunately, mom does not understand my depression at all and we end up having the "what are you depressed about" conversation. How can I know what I'm depressed about when I was depressed before I became conscious. Once again, she just doesn't get this. We also might have the "what do you have to be depressed about" conversation or the "is your life so bad" conversation. Just a note for those of you who know someone who is depressed and have not experienced it yourself, these conversations do not help at all. Really, they don't. They just make me, and I assume many others feel defective and ridiculous. I do cut my mom some slack, however, seeing as she is in her late 70's and has a totally different world view than I do. Unless this is true of you also, my advice would be to just listen to the depressed person, don't ask these types of questions.

Wow, I feel like I just dumped a bunch of upset on the page above. Maybe I should have called this Depression 101.

This is It

2009-10-29T11:22:00.003-04:00

Just a short blog about Michael Jackson's "This is It" and what an awesome experience it was to watch. As I've stated before, I'm a huge MJ fan so I was quite excited about seeing this film. The film was actually better than I could have hoped. They showed Michael - the man, as well as Michael - the musical genius. It was amazing to see how he went about preparing his show and also how much control he actually had over all of it. He was involved in every little bit of what the audience would see, hear and experience.

A very touching part of the film was seeing how important Michael's influence had been on the dancers performing with him. I guess I never realized just how much he had changed music and dance.

There were times during the film where I felt like I was gonna cry and others where I wanted to cheer. Definitely take Kleenex to the show and be prepared to be amazed.

5 Stars

Exhaustion, Excitement, Etc.....

2009-10-27T18:49:00.004-04:00

I am very happy to say that the past week has been a good one for me. The changes my doctor has made in my medications seem to be doing the job. I still hope to get rid of the two medications that have stopped working, but maybe it is better to get the new ones settled in first. What gets to me is I start to feel like I live in a pharmacy. I can hear my body saying "lets see what else we can take, pretty soon we won't be doing anything without the help of a pill". Even though I feel this way, I am still quite grateful that things are looking up. I see my doctor again in 5 weeks and hopefully things will just continue to get better and better.

Today turned out to be very long and tiring. Mom and I went to see our beautician, Jodi, and have our hair done. We then of course had to go shopping because what is a mother/daughter day out without shopping. By the time I got back home I was so exhausted that I felt miserable. I almost ended up snapping at my husband, Lorrie which is never a good way to begin an evening. Luckily, after a pasta dinner and a cinnamon bun for dessert, I'm good as new. It's amazing how different I can feel from moment to moment. My moods just seem to flip around like a Ferris Wheel.

Tomorrow is the opening day of Michael Jackson's movie "This is it". We have tickets and I'm more than ready to go. Even though it's just a movie, it feels special to me. Sometimes I feel so terribly awful and seem to have no control over it, so when something makes me feel positive I try to just go with it. I hope the show is as good as I'm expecting.

Happy Trick or Treating to everyone.

Michael

2009-10-20T13:24:00.006-04:00

I am feeling much better today and am keeping my fingers crossed that it'll last a while. It turns out to be hard work for me to keep my moods stable.

Anyway, I've been listening to a lot of Michael Jackson's music since his death in June. I am absolutely addicted to his songs, Scream, Jam, Give into Me and Will You Be There. Actually I'm addicted to most of his songs. When I heard that he had died, my first reaction was "he can't be dead, that's impossible". Turns out he was really human and he could and did die. My reaction has really surprised me. I knew I used to LOVE him, but I didn't realize I still did or that he still meant so much to me.

When I was 14 years old Michael won 8 Grammy Awards. I think it was one of the most exciting nights of my life. I was so in love with him and his music. 15 years later I still have a photo album of stickers and magazine articles that I made back then. I also have bought every album he's ever made. I realized this after he died and I decided to look up discography. I had every single CD on my shelf, I hadn't listened to Invincible at all, but it was there. So, I think he stayed an important part of my life without my even knowing it.

I never have believed any of the things that were said about Michael Jackson. I just know in my heart that he has been wrongly accused. I think we, his American fans, really let him down. We wouldn't allow him to grow and experiment with his music. Madonna and Prince have been loved for their ability to change with the times, but not Michael. We expected him to always stay the performer who created Thriller and he was so much more than that. On top of that we, and by we I mean people in general, made him into a villain. It's like we built him up only to tear him down little by little. Basically, I believe we killed him. I know that sounds like an overreaction but it really is how I feel.

So, back to his music. This morning I was listening and dancing to his songs and just realizing once again how much I love him and how much we have all lost. It's bittersweet each time I listen. The music is so awesome and yet I end up feeling sad at the same time. I can't wait to see "This is It" next week. Having never seen him in concert, this will be my concert experience. I also purchased the Opus book which is coming out in December. It was amazingly expensive but if he had lived and toured the USA I would have paid that much to see him anyway so I feel OK about the money. I'm hugely excited to receive the book in December.

I'll write more on this topic once I see "This is It". Til then, I'll keep listening and of course dancing.

2009-10-18T12:44:00.003-04:00

I am so anxious right now. There really isn't anything stressful going on. My family is OK, everyone is healthy and we are having dinner at my parent's house in a bit. Mom is even making one of my favorites, stuffed peppers. Setting aside the fact that going to my parent's for dinner is always a bit anxiety producing to me because I never know what mood my father will be in, it sounds like a nice day so WHY AM I SO ANXIOUS??????!!!!!!!

When I feel this way it's as if everything in my life starts swirling around inside my head like someone turned on a really strong fan and everything is flying. I can't prioritize things or separate them, I just have this buzz going through my body. My head feels too full and everything is out of place. I start making lists of things that need to be done and if I'm really over the top, lists of things I like to do. I know I'm pretty bad when I do that. One instance that we still laugh about is a time when I wrote a list with everything on it. I'm not kidding, the list began with get up and continued on with driving to work. These seem like things a person wouldn't forget to do but on the list they were anyway. I'm beyond, beyond when I get to this point.

I also talk about my anxiety which makes my husband just as anxious as I am. He thinks he should be able to fix this for me but deep down he knows there's nothing he can do. I need to fix this. I just don't know how. I take medications for anxiety and depression and then I take Klonapin for panic attacks. Klonapin is a life saver for me but I really would like to get my anxiety under control so I don't need it so much. My hope is to someday stop taking meds completely. I have a feeling I'm no where near that time.

The thoughts I have are strange also. I think things like "I hate it here", and "How did I end up here". This wasn't the plan that I'd had for my life. I got good grades in school and excellent grades in college. I had a bright future ahead of me. I wanted to do something that is important to me. I wanted to adopt children, teach reading to the learning disabled, teach kindergarten or Pre-K. I certainly didn't want to sit at home trying to figure out how to make it through each day without going crazy or driving someone else crazy.

Lately, I keep saying that even the little things are hard. I can't make decisions, my memory is way off and I'm exhausted. Luckily, I am in the middle of hopefully finding new medications that will be more effective. My fingers are crossed. I'm trying to be hopeful. That's the only way to deal with all of this, just keep moving forward one step at a time.

I'm not hugely religious but I do have a favorite prayer which comforts me. I'll end with that prayer.

It is the Serenity Prayer.

God, please give me the serenity to except the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things that I can and
The wisdom to know the difference.

Another Saturday Night

2009-10-10T21:30:00.001-04:00

OK, so I'm new to this blogging thing. I'm not exactly sure what or why I'm doing this. I think I just feel the need to reach out and document what I'm dealing with. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for at least 25 years now and I'm sure it's actually much longer than that. You would think it would get easier but it actually seems to fluctuate. I've been more depressed and/or anxious lately than I have been in many years and I don't know how to fix it. I'm doing all the things "they" say to do. I've got a therapist who helps me and am seeing a doctor to work on my medications. Right now I'm on so many medications it makes my head spin. My doctor is weaning me off of two and starting me on a third. I'm also trying a new hormone patch as the hormone pill I've been on doesn't work for me. Some of my emotional distress is related to my menstrual cycle. I'm either going through early menopause or Peri- menopause. I do know that I have poly cystic ovary syndrome. I started having problems with my cycle in my mid 20's and I'll be 40 on my next birthday so it's been quite a ride. I never thought I'd feel this way but I actually can't wait until I've gone through menopause. Maybe then I'll be happier and feel calmer.

Sometimes I think my body is just defective because nothing works correctly on it's own. I take something for my emotions, something else for my menstrual cycle, something to help me digest my food and even something to stay regular. It's ridiculous and yet very necessary. Without these medicines I suffer worse than I do now. At least now I can step out of myself and analyze and try to "fix" things. Without the meds I'm just lost.

My new way of dealing seems to be sleeping a lot. This scares me because sleeping has never been my reaction to the depression and anxiety I live with. It's new to me and I'm wondering what it means. Something has changed and I'm pretty sure it's not good. Not to worry, I'll keep moving forward and trying to figure it all out. I've got more appointments with my doctor to finish working on my meds and I'll continue to see my therapist. Something is different. That's all there is too it. People keep telling me that I'm strong and will get through this. I do know that I am strong but I'm starting to wonder what the point is. What is the point to being strong if things never get better or only get better for a while and then need to be dealt with again. I guess you could say I'm feeling helpless. Maybe that's why I'm starting this blog. If I can't fix it at least I can write about it.